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Our Mission

To present hopeful educational information that heightens awareness about bullies, as well as sibling abuse, and promotes emotional and mental wellness of children. To help uncover that bullies are often created in home settings.

To impart valuable information about bullying and sibling abuse, that leads to family and societal change. To support children to have safe peer and sibling relationships for positive adulthoods.


Sibling abuse is rapidly increasing. We now have an epidemic.
It appears that sibling abuse is the most overlooked form of family violence.

  • An estimated 19 million children per year engage in abusive violence against a sibling(s).
  • 40 million adults are in various stages of recovery from sibling abuse.
  • Two million children have used a weapon as a means of resolving a physical confrontation with a sibling.
  • Recent statistics on homicides reveal that siblings committed 1.5% of all murders. This comprises 10% of all murders in families.
  • 53 out of every 100 children abuse their brother or sister.
  • Bullying in America is epidemic. Bullying starts in many homes.
  • Bullying is research linked to sibling abuse

 

Watch the Trailer: Girl in the Water: A True Story of Sibling Abuse, by Nancy Kilgore

 

 Purchase this ground breaking true story on Amazon.  You can read more about this courageous book here.


Nancy is available for speaking engagements, workshops and Skype & phone consults.  Please contact her for more information.

62 Responses to Home

  1. Charlotte says:

    I am 56 years old and suffered much sibling abuse from my sister (she was 2 years older and larger built, I was pettite
    looked like 12 @ 18 yrs.) It’s amazing how I looked up to her! Thank heavens
    light is now being shed on the BULLIES!
    Give them no cover…I have seen many
    sisters truly love each other and have
    a bond. What could have been was
    separated by evil!! I never new what
    love felt like. My sister said to me
    once when I was around 35 I made a
    statement about something at a family
    gathering and she said that’s really
    smart and I always thought you were
    such a moron!
    Today I still suffer from low self esteem
    my life would have been different with a loving sister.

    • Yes, a sibling can affect how we feel about ourselves. Thanks for sharing. Nancy

    • Sharon says:

      So get it! Strived for years to belong! Dismissed, verbally abused and physically. They just laugh it off. Say I need to get over it. Thing is none of them even know the while story of what the others did. So sad. I give up they all have their gossipy bond and dysfunction they deal with. I grieve the loss, but need better. DESERVE BETTER. As do you!!

      • Thank you for coming into this blog. And, yes, we deserve so much more. The grief from losing a family is long and enduring. We are social creatures and do the best in groups. Nancy

      • suzan says:

        You do deserve better. It gets easier. If I can do it…anyone can. I love unconditionally, forgive easily, and grieve long. Physical, emotional, verbally, sexually, I have dealt with it all. I prayed for a normal family since I was small, and God gave me one, just not the one with mom and siblings. I pray for all of you, I know how painful it is.

    • Marilyn Kennedy says:

      It’s hard to work on the self esteem when you are brought down consistently. I learned how mentally ill bullies are, how fear really drives them and that helped me to shut a bully sibling out of my mind and my life. Still it’s painful to do that to someone you’d love to love.

      • It is one of the most difficult realities in the world. Family and our interactions twirl in our brain…sometimes for many years. A portion of our brain records everything. It is called the HIPPOCAMPUS. Might look it up.

  2. Angela says:

    Every year I say I should write a book and every year another chapter is added to the web that has been spun for generations. My range only dates back to the late 1800′s in sparse detail to more recent events that are simultaneously vivid and obscure depending on my abilities to arrange thought to the forefront of consciousness. Positive happenings always in tandem with guilt or resentment. Bad happenings with additional baggage anxiety and fear. One hour ago I just erased an entire post because I ran out of room so I am trying once more (too late).

    I didn’t know I was bullied until yesterday. I didt know it had a name. Being the youngest of five I now know that being bullied served as a silent agent against my physical and mental health. I am scared and afraid that it is too late to stop the bleeding- I have already created another generation and I hope someday the cycle will end.

    There are many forms of bullying and psychological should not be discarded as anything less that a blunt knife to the heart. My most recent example is from yesterday. At my bridal shower my sister openly called my fiancée’s13 year old daughter a slut and openly criticizes and joked about my fiancé in front of me, my brother and his wife. This isn’t new behavior, only last month she tried for a third time for me to go on a date with her husbands nephew. Regardless of the back story- I remain silent and parallized. I have no voice left in me- she tearse me down and doubles down when I am most vulnerable. I just totaled my car (8k) while being yelled at by my bully father. I don’t remember that exact moment because his verbal abuse parallized my senses. I yelled at him saying “see, this is why I don’t answer your calls” yet apologized to him 20 minutes after the police came. My bully sister meanwhile kept calling me wondering why I wasn’t there to pick her up. Yet I am still suppose to be quiet and allow my fiancée to pay for her flight and hotel to our wedding after a sudden financial crunch and her endless venom upon me any my family? She disregards my feelings-ignores my attempts to be sober, and I can’t hold one boundary up to save my happiness. Anywho that’s my input-out of space- keep pushing awareness :)

    • Angela says:

      Dump her evil ass. Kick her to the curb as hard as you can along with anyonewho treats you that way. You are a child of the universe you havea right to live in peace

  3. Sky says:

    I am currently being bullied by my Sister. I am 37 years old and she is 2 & half years younger. She is disrespectful and nasty. She wants to hurt me anyway she can. She recently suffered with post natal depression so I accepted this and took most of the abuse on the chin. However she is through that time in her life but she still continues to abuse me. We share the same friends and she constantly talks about them all to me thus making me feel angry towards them. I feel she does the same about me to them. She excludes me and belittles me in front of them. She goes as far as winding up and upsetting my 5 year old daughter. The list goes on and on. I feel like I am crumbling inside and don’t know what to do. My husband wont listen he gets cross. Luckily my parents know where I am coming from as they have too experienced her abuse. I need to keep away from her but its hard when we share the same friends.

  4. Alan says:

    Thank you. My bullying is still on going and i am jealous of all normal loving brother bonds. I have given him too many second chances and when I finally retslliated the police came involved but ghat didnt stop my asshole of a brother. And so since that ungrateful prick has protection from my depressed parents as a result of him. It is still ongoing. I hate him… and doubt ill ver forgive him even if
    he apoligizes… and i dont intend to.

  5. christin Baxter says:

    I am a 37 year old female. My 40 year old sister verbally, physically, mentally, and even an isolated incident of sexual abuse….harassed, bullied, hated, and tortured me on a daily basis from the age I could first have memories. This went on undetected or ignored by my mother or anyone even up to this current day. I have been through hell in my adult life and since FINALLY about two or three years ago I was researching to find explanations or answers to my problems….I found actual documented and tangible medical and psychological terms for what I have been suffering through for my entire life….ADULT SIBLING ABUSE. Of course at one time it was just sibling abuse, but you see my story didn’t stop at 18 years old when I was able to leave home…my sister began to deliberately and consciously sabotage me and my life. When she could no longer suffocate, beat, and torture me with her hatred and bullying…..she started to cause problems between my husband and I, attempted to keep me away from my other family members with her control and manipulation and intimidation. She had me arrested and removed and banned from our grandmother’s home that we both grew up in. I was not allowed to visit my beloved grandma. When I lost my husband to a car accident three years ago…she came and illegally took my one and only beloved 12 year old daughter from me with false and exaggerated claims of me being unstable, unable to care for my daughter, and because of her financial abundance and my total bankruptcy with the loss of my husband…there was no winning. She even takes my daughters social security check that I would have gotten from my 14 year marriage and father of my child….when he died in the car accident….she attempted to turn my daughter on me. We were not allowed to see each other for three years. It was the worst three years of my life. No family, my only confidant and best friend was dead and the only thing left that meant the whole world to me gone…and my god, the emails I would receive from her. So utterly hurtful. And to this day, yes, I’ve finally have gotten to be reunited with my daughter but only under her control. I live with them…my sis and daughter and she still manages to belittle, control, intimidate, and I live with intense pain and grief in silence. I don’t dare cross her and risk being,thrown out and worse not seeing my daughter again….what now? Its been identified, I’m educated, but I have nothing (as she likes it). My hands are tied. I can’t move. No money. I don’t know if I’d be able to stand being separated from my daughter again? Lost in a small town in Kansas…..please help?

  6. Rebecca Bates says:

    My older brother bullied me daily. His favorite act was to “sic” the neighbor’s dog on me . I was very tiny and much younger, and the dog would bite me and cause me to bleed. My brother became a doctor who has lost his last three jobs after 38 years of practice. I am a retired special needs teacher. I recently confronted my brother and mother about the daily abuse I received from my brother who claims his behavior was not abusive. He was and is my mother’s favorite . I was quiet , well behaved , and a good student. I was diagnosed with anxiety at the age of 16.

  7. Linda Frank says:

    Thank you for shedding some light on this soul crushing sibling bulling! I recently recognized the truth of my feelings about my half sister who has abused all my life — I’m 57! My family normalized it, I was TOO sensitive! No more , I haven’t spoken to my sister for a couple of months and I don’t plan on speaking to her in the future. I feel great and life has been much better!

  8. Linda Frank says:

    wow! every time I read more comments on this site I feel stronger! I am very sorry we all missed out on bonding with a loving sibling but we are not alone! I’m not alone anymore and that makes me feel stronger! I recently stopped the abuse, since December and it is difficult. My brother and other half sister are totally involved in my crazy sisters unhappy behavior. This has alienated me from all three of them. I’ve been very ill for ten years due to the consequences of the physical abuse I survived as a child, largely handed out by my crazy sister! I had ten surgeries and am now disabled at 57 years old. Yes it’s hard dealing with being ill and disabled—-and having to deal with this issue now!
    But it’s worth it! I get no support from any of them on a good day , so I definitely don’t need the snarky comments, sarcasm and downright nastiness when I’m not having a good day!
    It’s been quiet! I’m learning to be kinder to myself and use my caring energy for taking better care of myself.
    I have a wonderful husband who’s been with me for 39 years—I’m blessed. I also have two wonderful, bright daughters who get along and love each other so I’ vey blessed! Now I get to move on and direct all my loving energy on people who love me! What a concept!
    Have a loving day! Stay strong! Normal is different but nice!

  9. suzan says:

    It has been 13 months since I have seen my mother, sister and brother. My brother has abused me since 4-5. He is cruel, violent and abusive. My mother has enabled him, and still does and he married an enabler. I feel deep, love deep, so this was very hard for me to be separated from them. As time goes on, I can see clearly now. The anxiety and panic attacks, pstd is slowly diminishing. Certain scents, weather, songs will bring it on, but it is no longer daily. Horrible feeling.
    I see the disfunction among them. I still love them all and wish things could have been different. At 54, I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore.They try to turn things around saying I am the one who is disfunctional because I am not like them. My brother is abusive to anyone who does not agree with or go along with his actions. I believe he still is planning and plotting abuse towards me and my family. He has done it several times.
    I have three wonderful boys and a wonderful husband who have been very supportive. I am blessed. I thank God everyday for protecting me and blessing me with the family I always wanted.

  10. Taylor says:

    I don’t know why my older brother began beating on me and verbally abusing me when we were children. The first time he hit me, I told Mom. He came back and hit me harder and for a longer period of time. Again, I told Mom. The next time he hit me, he said that if I told again, he would hit me even harder and it would continue for a much longer time. I believed him and never did tell again. He thoroughly enjoyed saying I was pretty in 3 ways: pretty awful, pretty ugly and pretty apt to stay that way. I knew if I said anything, he’d carry out his threat. Sadly, I believed every home was as violent as ours. I absolutely loathed myself for years. Even now, decades since that abuse happened, it continues to impact my life.

  11. LINDA frank says:

    Well I’m still here. My older half sister sort of apologized. Still barely speaking to her or my brother — don’t trust them enough to talk to them and really don’t care enough at this point. Haven’t spoken to my abusive sister since Nov. 2013 and it feels great! I feel better all around. I hope to never speak to her again. I forgive her I don’t like her, we have zero in common and I don’t ever want to hear her evil stories again! Life is better without these people in it!
    Funny — my Mom insisted we stay close despite the abuse. Mom didn’t like to directly abuse her children so she used her children and others to so her dirty work. Mom didn’t speak to her only full blood sister but insisted I stay close to her other daughter?? I only have a brother, my two half siblings are not my sisters, I don’t need sisters like that. I never had a close sister relationship, I had an awful half sibling relationship that definitely put me off sisters.
    Our there close sisters??or is this a media fantasy?? My mother in law didn’t talk to her only sister either?? Never seen a close sister relationship. Do they exist??

    • Close relationships between sisters is not rare. In dysfunctional families they fail to thrive, mainly because of the mother figure. She needs to closely monitor aggression and facilitate cooperation. If she is inclined to gossip about one daughter to another daughter, no one is close. Thanks for writing in! Nancy

  12. Ryan says:

    I’m abused by my brother. I’m 2 years younger than him, and I’m no where near as strong as him. He beats me up all the time when no ones around, or when my friends r here. What should I do.

    • Ryan says:

      And he makes fun of me when I’m not around round. And makes me feel weak

      • Ryan you are in my heart this Easter weekend. I can only suggest that you read over my website and become knowledgeable about sibling abuse. The next step is to utilize the best body posture of assertiveness and confidence and tell your counselor, your principal, your pastor what is going on in the home setting. When I was undergoing sibling abuse, I would have been benefitted by a caring adult who would have stood up for me. I hope you have a caring adult figure in your life. If your parents are aware and they do nothing about it, don’t count on them to help you. Go to someone outside your home. You found this resource and I am so glad. Keep me posted. Nancy

    • You are in a hard position. I bet your parents aren’t aware of what is happening. On Amazon, there are books for parents. Do you want me to send you the titles? Nancy

  13. Peggy K says:

    I have been on the tip of this blog. I have read a little, left for months. I have just reviewed last fall through current postings. I feel so hurt by all I read here. ASA is the most horrific sort of loss and source of pain. I am the eternal optimist, however after the past 5 years of hell I say my prayers each morning, I never lose hope. My Mother and her linage is the source of illness and abuse. She continued this raising 7 children. Even with the loss of my closest sister 22 years ago from cancer, the chaos continues. I went from the “mediator,” (of course, 3rd of 7 from a old fashioned Catholic family), to the most hated, ex-communicated sibling because I divorced my alcoholic, mentally and verbally abusive ex-husband 5 years ago. My family, along with my 84 yr old parents (stll alive and feeding the hell fires) turned on me. They became by judges, cops, counselors, detectives, they aligned with my ex-husband and are still to this day intertwined with my ex-husband who had Parental Alienation Symdrome in motion the last year before I asked for the divorce. Together the all were able to “brainwash” my 3 teenage daughters into their alliance. This is such a mult-faceted level of isolation and abuse I truly did not know possible. Especially when I was the “big sister” that was alway there to take care of, love and support my 4 younger siblings. My only ally is my brother in Paris. That is how far he will tell you he had to go to rid himself of the hate in our family. My only surviving sister, the most hateful person I know besides my Mother, has solidified relationships with my girls, as has my brother that was my “soul mate” all of our lives until 6 years ago. They have relationships with my daughters while pretending I no longer exist. My 3 girls are the victims. I wanted all of the hell of my mother’s generations to END! We used to talk about this as siblings. However because my paents taught “conditional love” and I violated ther “catholic laws” by divorcing, more hell than I could ever fathom possible has ensued. It is so destructive, and my daughters are suffering as I am. There is currently no light at the end of this tunnel, even though I keep my hope and keep getting kciked in the face any attempts to try to stop the madness.

    • What you are describing is the ugly aftermath. I have a son who is involved in parental alienation of me. It is hard to cope with sometimes. So very hard. The whole family gets hurt and the generations after. Your statement should be read by many.

  14. Christina Marchand says:

    I have suffered my whole life from sibling abuse. Two older brothers did sexual, verbal, and physical abuse. I wish so much I could know the person I would’ve been. I ended up being bullied by everyone since and am now in another abusive relationship with kids that instead of the abuse my father did, I do the opposite and just love them with all my heart and teach them about God. He is the only man I’ll ever be able to trust and love. I feel for everyone so much who has been through this and suffered into adulthood. It’s a terrible way to live. Trust me, I know. May God Bless you all!!

    • It is a horrible way to live. Our reality needs to be exposed more. On Twitter, I am not so much appealing to adult survivors of this, but to mothers. Mothers are more organized. Survivors aren’t. I look forward to the day when we are.

  15. Shannon says:

    At this very moment – having just found your blog – feeling less alone in my own past, less like a freakish anomaly, than at any other time in the whole of my 41 years of existence. Thank you…

  16. Erma Love says:

    Would like to request a phone consult.

  17. urfi aulia says:

    Dear Mrs. Kilgore,

    My name is Urfi. I am Indonesian undergraduate student. Now, I am writing my thesis, and I was interest to doing research in indonesia about siblings bullying. I need any reference who related to siblings bullying for my thesis. Can you help me to get the reference ? I am very need the explanation to write in my thesis. I would be very grateful, if you could send me the softcopy or any references that I can use to add my comprehension.

    I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you very much

    Sincerely yours,
    Urfi Aulia

  18. angel marty says:

    I cut my abusive siblings off years ago. My life is happy. Yes it was after therapy and help. Take care of yourselves first. I do not tolerate bullying now from anyone. You can heal. I’m married to a partner who will not accept sb from his sister. Set boundaries and love yourself I do and it works. no one deserves bullying. don’t stand for it!
    in love and healing
    ‘and still i rise’
    angel marty

    • This is wonderful that you are setting boundaries. A very hard lesson to learn when you didn’t learn it in childhood. Are your comments to me or to those in general?

  19. Sula says:

    I was abused by a brother two years older than me for my entire life (from about three years old on up until about 13 when I feared I would be killed.) I do not have much memory of the abuse but do know it occurred due to a few memories I do have and also an apology from him (how could you ever be with a man after what I did to you.) My other siblings also recall violence, one in particular, some despair for being unable to save me from all of it.

    Decades later, my life in a good place, I began to break down and hear voices (dissociative, not psychotic.) I’m 52.

    Question: Is dissociation common with severe sibling abuse? I have close to no recall around my childhood–a pretty major black-out. I am seeing a therapist presently and struggle to get some memory back and I do, bit by bit, but the grief that comes along with it is immense.

    Thank you so very, very much for this resource and for your bravery in telling your story. My god there are so many of us.

    Would love to get to one of your seminars–do you ever come to the San Francisco area??

    • Yes, it is common to have dissociation. That word refers to not being in present time…being triggered back to old feelings. I hope you are getting the right therapy. I am in Sacramento. I actually work with clients and do SKYPE CONSULTS for this issue. My website is http://www.hope4siblings.com Fill out contact form and I can talk to you for 15 minutes for FREE.

  20. Ann Baker says:

    I am grateful for this website, thank you! Five and a half years ago, I lost my mother to cancer, after 21 days of witnessing her slow death a thousand miles away from my home. The oppressive verbal and emotional abuse that had always been a part of the family dynamics became unbearable and I shut down to survive it, till I came home to my own family, where I felt safe and loved. I had to detach myself from my siblings in order to grieve my losses, and get clear about what I wanted. Now, I focus my attention on my marriage of 34 years, my 3 wonderful daughters, my grandson, and treating us all with kindness. It is a process that takes time and support and compassion…well worth it! This morning I was contemplating sending a birthday card to my brother, but hesitated. I read back through these posts again, and my daughters voices came to mind telling me that I have bent over backwards to make peace with my siblings, but they have shown no interest in doing so. That is the reality, I will accept it, and thank God for the loving people that DO bless my life. I allow myself to enjoy my life now, everyone benefits from this decision. This helps me get clear: If everything is important, nothing is important! Thank you Angel for your comments!!!

  21. anonymous says:

    my brother has severe anger issues. he only takes out his anger on objects now (breaking things, punching a hole in the wall, etc.), but for many years i was the target of his tantrums. he beat me, punched me, kicked me, threw things at me, and choked me on a regular basis. he locked me in the basement. once he threatened me with a knife.

    i have almost no concrete memories of these incidents, or i will remember the beginning but not what happened after. i only just recently realized how deeply my experiences with my brother affected me. i think i may have ptsd, although it seems presumptuous of me to think so when i know so many people who have severe ptsd from extreme traumas… but it’s not normal/healthy to be threatened with a knife and choked by your sibling, is it?

    • What you are relating is what a lot of us go through. We have no idea what normal is and question the utter violations to our rights. Yes, what you related would cause PTSD. So glad you found this.

  22. suzanne says:

    To Sula and anonymous
    I too was abused by my brother…age 3-4 and up. He was violent and abusive in every shape and form. My mother favored him for some reason. I have had issues with self-esteem, ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks. I still do at 55. A song, smell, the weather or being away from home in a strange place can trigger it. I have battled this my entire life.
    At age 38, I became a flight attendant to try to force this feeling from me. In 2011 it came back again because of verbal abuse from my mother and verbal and physical abuse from my brother. His abuse has taken different forms throughout the years. He would tell everyone I lied and was crazy so nobody would believe me if I told. My mother did the same thing. She would talk about me to others, telling them lies and making up stories. I never told anyone, but my father when I was 6. He told my mother he was taking me and leaving. My mother was crying and screaming no. I felt responsible and told my dad I was ok…I didn’t want to leave. I never told again til 2012.
    My mother knew and did nothing. My grandfather (step) abused me also when I was 5 and my mother did nothing. She told me not to tell my father or grandmother who I was very close to both of them. I prayed all my life to have a “normal” family. One without abuse and lies.
    God gave me that family, my husband and children.
    I have a kind and compassionate heart. I love deeply and forgive easily. Being separated from my entire family has been hard and the ptsd has increased. They continue to say I am lying, along with so so many other lies to cover up the abuse. I could write a book. The hardest part is, I am a mother also, and I cannot understand how my mother can treat me as if I am someone she hates, instead of her daughter.
    Even though I am so sorry for what has happened to you and know some of your pain, this is a great place to hear others and know you are not alone.
    I get great comfort in reading/listening to the Bible. I know God has blessed me with a beautiful family and has protected me all these years. He doesn’t want you to suffer.

  23. Lauren says:

    Recently, I turned 17 and live at home with my parents and my 6 years younger brother. However, my brother who is currently 20, 3 years older than me, comes home from college, work or his apartment multiple times a week. I had thought since he’s finally got a place to stay he’d never be home, but unfortunately, I was dead wrong.

    Anyways, him and I don’t get along at all. Every time I see him, he makes it a point to call me names such as fat, ugly, etc. If nothing more, he calls me by a nickname that he created by mixing the names of two people who you certainly do not want to be compared to. He uses the term so often, I can’t remember the last time my real name has left his lips. He always threatens me, and often times he’ll even throw threats and harsh words at my parents (things like “If you do that, I’ll kill you”, “When I come home, there had better be a good meal”) without even giving it a second thought. Just tonight he walked into the house after work and made his way directly to the kitchen, taking the larger second half of my dinner without even asking. It was a meal that he hated, and that’s why my parents hadn’t made any for him. However, he insisted that he was so hungry he’d make do with it and douse the meat in hot sauce because there was no other food in the house. I made a comment about it and he kicked me in the wrist, breaking skin and causing it to bleed. Now, I’m locked in my room hungry, hurt, and mad, not unlike every other time he’s home.

    I’ve recently started getting therapy for what was diagnosed as both depression and anxiety. I try to portray what happens in my house, but it’s forgotten as soon as I mention it. My parents do nothing about it other than yelling at him pointlessly, threatening him that they’ll kick him out, although the same thing has been said at least 20 times this week alone. My parents gets mad at me for spending all my time in my bedroom, spending at most a half hour downstairs with them even when he’s not home, but I come to dread any times I have to exit my room as my mood immediately deflates as I step out of the door. I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with no support from anyone else. Maybe some advice? I don’t expect much at all as this post is from a year ago, however if you happen to come by this and can spare a few words, I’d be more than grateful. Thank you for bothering to read this if you did. ~Lauren

    • Hello Lauren. Thank you first of all for coming in and commenting. What you are experiencing is actually PTSD. Look it up. The home environment is very toxic and is triggering you. If you can get out, do so. I hope you get on twitter. We could use your support. My handle is hope4siblings. In two weeks, we have 1500 followers. There is a lot of helpful advice in the tweets. If you want to do something about the PTSD, there is treatment that will get you strong so you can move on. Look this up: EMDR. It changed my life.

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