Our Mission

To present hopeful educational information that heightens awareness about bullies, as well as sibling abuse, and promotes emotional and mental wellness of children. To help uncover that bullies are often created in home settings.

To impart valuable information about bullying and sibling abuse, that leads to family and societal change. To support children to have safe peer and sibling relationships for positive adulthoods.

Sibling abuse is rapidly increasing. We now have an epidemic.
It appears that sibling abuse is the most overlooked form of family violence.

  • An estimated 19 million children per year engage in abusive violence against a sibling(s).
  • 40 million adults are in various stages of recovery from sibling abuse.
  • Two million children have used a weapon as a means of resolving a physical confrontation with a sibling.
  • Recent statistics on homicides reveal that siblings committed 1.5% of all murders. This comprises 10% of all murders in families.
  • 53 out of every 100 children abuse their brother or sister.
  • Bullying in America is epidemic. Bullying starts in many homes.
  • Bullying is research linked to sibling abuse


Watch the Trailer: Girl in the Water: A True Story of Sibling Abuse, by Nancy Kilgore


 Purchase this ground breaking true story on Amazon.  You can read more about this courageous book here.

Nancy is available for speaking engagements, workshops and Skype & phone consults.  Please contact her for more information.

85 Responses to Home

  1. Charlotte says:

    I am 56 years old and suffered much sibling abuse from my sister (she was 2 years older and larger built, I was pettite
    looked like 12 @ 18 yrs.) It’s amazing how I looked up to her! Thank heavens
    light is now being shed on the BULLIES!
    Give them no cover…I have seen many
    sisters truly love each other and have
    a bond. What could have been was
    separated by evil!! I never new what
    love felt like. My sister said to me
    once when I was around 35 I made a
    statement about something at a family
    gathering and she said that’s really
    smart and I always thought you were
    such a moron!
    Today I still suffer from low self esteem
    my life would have been different with a loving sister.

    • Yes, a sibling can affect how we feel about ourselves. Thanks for sharing. Nancy

    • Sharon says:

      So get it! Strived for years to belong! Dismissed, verbally abused and physically. They just laugh it off. Say I need to get over it. Thing is none of them even know the while story of what the others did. So sad. I give up they all have their gossipy bond and dysfunction they deal with. I grieve the loss, but need better. DESERVE BETTER. As do you!!

      • Thank you for coming into this blog. And, yes, we deserve so much more. The grief from losing a family is long and enduring. We are social creatures and do the best in groups. Nancy

      • suzan says:

        You do deserve better. It gets easier. If I can do it…anyone can. I love unconditionally, forgive easily, and grieve long. Physical, emotional, verbally, sexually, I have dealt with it all. I prayed for a normal family since I was small, and God gave me one, just not the one with mom and siblings. I pray for all of you, I know how painful it is.

    • Marilyn Kennedy says:

      It’s hard to work on the self esteem when you are brought down consistently. I learned how mentally ill bullies are, how fear really drives them and that helped me to shut a bully sibling out of my mind and my life. Still it’s painful to do that to someone you’d love to love.

      • It is one of the most difficult realities in the world. Family and our interactions twirl in our brain…sometimes for many years. A portion of our brain records everything. It is called the HIPPOCAMPUS. Might look it up.

  2. Angela says:

    Every year I say I should write a book and every year another chapter is added to the web that has been spun for generations. My range only dates back to the late 1800′s in sparse detail to more recent events that are simultaneously vivid and obscure depending on my abilities to arrange thought to the forefront of consciousness. Positive happenings always in tandem with guilt or resentment. Bad happenings with additional baggage anxiety and fear. One hour ago I just erased an entire post because I ran out of room so I am trying once more (too late).

    I didn’t know I was bullied until yesterday. I didt know it had a name. Being the youngest of five I now know that being bullied served as a silent agent against my physical and mental health. I am scared and afraid that it is too late to stop the bleeding- I have already created another generation and I hope someday the cycle will end.

    There are many forms of bullying and psychological should not be discarded as anything less that a blunt knife to the heart. My most recent example is from yesterday. At my bridal shower my sister openly called my fiancée’s13 year old daughter a slut and openly criticizes and joked about my fiancé in front of me, my brother and his wife. This isn’t new behavior, only last month she tried for a third time for me to go on a date with her husbands nephew. Regardless of the back story- I remain silent and parallized. I have no voice left in me- she tearse me down and doubles down when I am most vulnerable. I just totaled my car (8k) while being yelled at by my bully father. I don’t remember that exact moment because his verbal abuse parallized my senses. I yelled at him saying “see, this is why I don’t answer your calls” yet apologized to him 20 minutes after the police came. My bully sister meanwhile kept calling me wondering why I wasn’t there to pick her up. Yet I am still suppose to be quiet and allow my fiancée to pay for her flight and hotel to our wedding after a sudden financial crunch and her endless venom upon me any my family? She disregards my feelings-ignores my attempts to be sober, and I can’t hold one boundary up to save my happiness. Anywho that’s my input-out of space- keep pushing awareness :)

  3. Sky says:

    I am currently being bullied by my Sister. I am 37 years old and she is 2 & half years younger. She is disrespectful and nasty. She wants to hurt me anyway she can. She recently suffered with post natal depression so I accepted this and took most of the abuse on the chin. However she is through that time in her life but she still continues to abuse me. We share the same friends and she constantly talks about them all to me thus making me feel angry towards them. I feel she does the same about me to them. She excludes me and belittles me in front of them. She goes as far as winding up and upsetting my 5 year old daughter. The list goes on and on. I feel like I am crumbling inside and don’t know what to do. My husband wont listen he gets cross. Luckily my parents know where I am coming from as they have too experienced her abuse. I need to keep away from her but its hard when we share the same friends.

  4. Alan says:

    Thank you. My bullying is still on going and i am jealous of all normal loving brother bonds. I have given him too many second chances and when I finally retslliated the police came involved but ghat didnt stop my asshole of a brother. And so since that ungrateful prick has protection from my depressed parents as a result of him. It is still ongoing. I hate him… and doubt ill ver forgive him even if
    he apoligizes… and i dont intend to.

  5. christin Baxter says:

    I am a 37 year old female. My 40 year old sister verbally, physically, mentally, and even an isolated incident of sexual abuse….harassed, bullied, hated, and tortured me on a daily basis from the age I could first have memories. This went on undetected or ignored by my mother or anyone even up to this current day. I have been through hell in my adult life and since FINALLY about two or three years ago I was researching to find explanations or answers to my problems….I found actual documented and tangible medical and psychological terms for what I have been suffering through for my entire life….ADULT SIBLING ABUSE. Of course at one time it was just sibling abuse, but you see my story didn’t stop at 18 years old when I was able to leave home…my sister began to deliberately and consciously sabotage me and my life. When she could no longer suffocate, beat, and torture me with her hatred and bullying…..she started to cause problems between my husband and I, attempted to keep me away from my other family members with her control and manipulation and intimidation. She had me arrested and removed and banned from our grandmother’s home that we both grew up in. I was not allowed to visit my beloved grandma. When I lost my husband to a car accident three years ago…she came and illegally took my one and only beloved 12 year old daughter from me with false and exaggerated claims of me being unstable, unable to care for my daughter, and because of her financial abundance and my total bankruptcy with the loss of my husband…there was no winning. She even takes my daughters social security check that I would have gotten from my 14 year marriage and father of my child….when he died in the car accident….she attempted to turn my daughter on me. We were not allowed to see each other for three years. It was the worst three years of my life. No family, my only confidant and best friend was dead and the only thing left that meant the whole world to me gone…and my god, the emails I would receive from her. So utterly hurtful. And to this day, yes, I’ve finally have gotten to be reunited with my daughter but only under her control. I live with them…my sis and daughter and she still manages to belittle, control, intimidate, and I live with intense pain and grief in silence. I don’t dare cross her and risk being,thrown out and worse not seeing my daughter again….what now? Its been identified, I’m educated, but I have nothing (as she likes it). My hands are tied. I can’t move. No money. I don’t know if I’d be able to stand being separated from my daughter again? Lost in a small town in Kansas…..please help?

    • I read this. Try if you can to get EMDR treatment. EMDR therapists often need hours and work on clients for free. Nancy

    • Marilyn Kennedy says:

      You, my love, need a lawyer. Also get some EMDR therapy. It’s amazing and powerful. You will be so glad you did.

    • Elizabeth says:

      Thank you for sharing this! This is a new revelation for me too and i am just starting to connect with people who have undergone what I have. I will be praying for you – that no weapon formed against you will prosper – and that God will empower you to make choices that are wise and helpful to your situation. You are in a tough one so I will be praying for God’s guidance and protection as you move forward.

  6. Rebecca Bates says:

    My older brother bullied me daily. His favorite act was to “sic” the neighbor’s dog on me . I was very tiny and much younger, and the dog would bite me and cause me to bleed. My brother became a doctor who has lost his last three jobs after 38 years of practice. I am a retired special needs teacher. I recently confronted my brother and mother about the daily abuse I received from my brother who claims his behavior was not abusive. He was and is my mother’s favorite . I was quiet , well behaved , and a good student. I was diagnosed with anxiety at the age of 16.

  7. Linda Frank says:

    Thank you for shedding some light on this soul crushing sibling bulling! I recently recognized the truth of my feelings about my half sister who has abused all my life — I’m 57! My family normalized it, I was TOO sensitive! No more , I haven’t spoken to my sister for a couple of months and I don’t plan on speaking to her in the future. I feel great and life has been much better!

  8. Linda Frank says:

    wow! every time I read more comments on this site I feel stronger! I am very sorry we all missed out on bonding with a loving sibling but we are not alone! I’m not alone anymore and that makes me feel stronger! I recently stopped the abuse, since December and it is difficult. My brother and other half sister are totally involved in my crazy sisters unhappy behavior. This has alienated me from all three of them. I’ve been very ill for ten years due to the consequences of the physical abuse I survived as a child, largely handed out by my crazy sister! I had ten surgeries and am now disabled at 57 years old. Yes it’s hard dealing with being ill and disabled—-and having to deal with this issue now!
    But it’s worth it! I get no support from any of them on a good day , so I definitely don’t need the snarky comments, sarcasm and downright nastiness when I’m not having a good day!
    It’s been quiet! I’m learning to be kinder to myself and use my caring energy for taking better care of myself.
    I have a wonderful husband who’s been with me for 39 years—I’m blessed. I also have two wonderful, bright daughters who get along and love each other so I’ vey blessed! Now I get to move on and direct all my loving energy on people who love me! What a concept!
    Have a loving day! Stay strong! Normal is different but nice!

  9. suzan says:

    It has been 13 months since I have seen my mother, sister and brother. My brother has abused me since 4-5. He is cruel, violent and abusive. My mother has enabled him, and still does and he married an enabler. I feel deep, love deep, so this was very hard for me to be separated from them. As time goes on, I can see clearly now. The anxiety and panic attacks, pstd is slowly diminishing. Certain scents, weather, songs will bring it on, but it is no longer daily. Horrible feeling.
    I see the disfunction among them. I still love them all and wish things could have been different. At 54, I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore.They try to turn things around saying I am the one who is disfunctional because I am not like them. My brother is abusive to anyone who does not agree with or go along with his actions. I believe he still is planning and plotting abuse towards me and my family. He has done it several times.
    I have three wonderful boys and a wonderful husband who have been very supportive. I am blessed. I thank God everyday for protecting me and blessing me with the family I always wanted.

  10. Taylor says:

    I don’t know why my older brother began beating on me and verbally abusing me when we were children. The first time he hit me, I told Mom. He came back and hit me harder and for a longer period of time. Again, I told Mom. The next time he hit me, he said that if I told again, he would hit me even harder and it would continue for a much longer time. I believed him and never did tell again. He thoroughly enjoyed saying I was pretty in 3 ways: pretty awful, pretty ugly and pretty apt to stay that way. I knew if I said anything, he’d carry out his threat. Sadly, I believed every home was as violent as ours. I absolutely loathed myself for years. Even now, decades since that abuse happened, it continues to impact my life.

  11. LINDA frank says:

    Well I’m still here. My older half sister sort of apologized. Still barely speaking to her or my brother — don’t trust them enough to talk to them and really don’t care enough at this point. Haven’t spoken to my abusive sister since Nov. 2013 and it feels great! I feel better all around. I hope to never speak to her again. I forgive her I don’t like her, we have zero in common and I don’t ever want to hear her evil stories again! Life is better without these people in it!
    Funny — my Mom insisted we stay close despite the abuse. Mom didn’t like to directly abuse her children so she used her children and others to so her dirty work. Mom didn’t speak to her only full blood sister but insisted I stay close to her other daughter?? I only have a brother, my two half siblings are not my sisters, I don’t need sisters like that. I never had a close sister relationship, I had an awful half sibling relationship that definitely put me off sisters.
    Our there close sisters??or is this a media fantasy?? My mother in law didn’t talk to her only sister either?? Never seen a close sister relationship. Do they exist??

    • Close relationships between sisters is not rare. In dysfunctional families they fail to thrive, mainly because of the mother figure. She needs to closely monitor aggression and facilitate cooperation. If she is inclined to gossip about one daughter to another daughter, no one is close. Thanks for writing in! Nancy

  12. Ryan says:

    I’m abused by my brother. I’m 2 years younger than him, and I’m no where near as strong as him. He beats me up all the time when no ones around, or when my friends r here. What should I do.

    • Ryan says:

      And he makes fun of me when I’m not around round. And makes me feel weak

      • Ryan you are in my heart this Easter weekend. I can only suggest that you read over my website and become knowledgeable about sibling abuse. The next step is to utilize the best body posture of assertiveness and confidence and tell your counselor, your principal, your pastor what is going on in the home setting. When I was undergoing sibling abuse, I would have been benefitted by a caring adult who would have stood up for me. I hope you have a caring adult figure in your life. If your parents are aware and they do nothing about it, don’t count on them to help you. Go to someone outside your home. You found this resource and I am so glad. Keep me posted. Nancy

    • You are in a hard position. I bet your parents aren’t aware of what is happening. On Amazon, there are books for parents. Do you want me to send you the titles? Nancy

  13. Peggy K says:

    I have been on the tip of this blog. I have read a little, left for months. I have just reviewed last fall through current postings. I feel so hurt by all I read here. ASA is the most horrific sort of loss and source of pain. I am the eternal optimist, however after the past 5 years of hell I say my prayers each morning, I never lose hope. My Mother and her linage is the source of illness and abuse. She continued this raising 7 children. Even with the loss of my closest sister 22 years ago from cancer, the chaos continues. I went from the “mediator,” (of course, 3rd of 7 from a old fashioned Catholic family), to the most hated, ex-communicated sibling because I divorced my alcoholic, mentally and verbally abusive ex-husband 5 years ago. My family, along with my 84 yr old parents (stll alive and feeding the hell fires) turned on me. They became by judges, cops, counselors, detectives, they aligned with my ex-husband and are still to this day intertwined with my ex-husband who had Parental Alienation Symdrome in motion the last year before I asked for the divorce. Together the all were able to “brainwash” my 3 teenage daughters into their alliance. This is such a mult-faceted level of isolation and abuse I truly did not know possible. Especially when I was the “big sister” that was alway there to take care of, love and support my 4 younger siblings. My only ally is my brother in Paris. That is how far he will tell you he had to go to rid himself of the hate in our family. My only surviving sister, the most hateful person I know besides my Mother, has solidified relationships with my girls, as has my brother that was my “soul mate” all of our lives until 6 years ago. They have relationships with my daughters while pretending I no longer exist. My 3 girls are the victims. I wanted all of the hell of my mother’s generations to END! We used to talk about this as siblings. However because my paents taught “conditional love” and I violated ther “catholic laws” by divorcing, more hell than I could ever fathom possible has ensued. It is so destructive, and my daughters are suffering as I am. There is currently no light at the end of this tunnel, even though I keep my hope and keep getting kciked in the face any attempts to try to stop the madness.

    • What you are describing is the ugly aftermath. I have a son who is involved in parental alienation of me. It is hard to cope with sometimes. So very hard. The whole family gets hurt and the generations after. Your statement should be read by many.

    • Eva Dahllof says:

      I had to escape w my two small children to foreign country and hide to stop my sister and mothers abuse together with my classical abusive criminal ex husband. My ex found us 10 yrs later. Now he was very wealthy and brainwashed my grown up children during their studies at university with his money and abusive talk about me. It ended with that I no longer have any children, as they copied their fathers abusive bahavior against me. I lost all good parental influence over them. They are not reachable or teachable. Now they joined my family of abuse against me.
      For my own mental health I had let go. I do not trust my own children to love me, and I want no connection w problem people, so after yrs of suffering and suicide attempts and drinking, I have accepted the reality of life. I have surrendered. The evil is done, and I walk away. I have been burnt enough.
      Today I have built myself a better life, w interests and a few loving friends. To understand what drives sibling abuse has set me free. Before that I learnt what drives an abuser to isolate his victim. To wake up of these nightmares, I had to read a lot of books to more or less be an expert on abuse, and abuse victims has saved me.
      I even opened Abuse Incest Victim forum in an rehab and it helped us all in these meetings to come together and share our pain, knowing we are surviviors, not victims any more.
      I have written a lot down too. Over thousand pages or more. It helps a lot to identify the pain and most important the memories, as I suffered from yrs of blackouts, e.g. ptsd.
      Being far away from our abusers makes you remembering what they did, as you are in a safe place. You dare remembering, and tell your story……….thanks for letting me share, Nancy

  14. Christina Marchand says:

    I have suffered my whole life from sibling abuse. Two older brothers did sexual, verbal, and physical abuse. I wish so much I could know the person I would’ve been. I ended up being bullied by everyone since and am now in another abusive relationship with kids that instead of the abuse my father did, I do the opposite and just love them with all my heart and teach them about God. He is the only man I’ll ever be able to trust and love. I feel for everyone so much who has been through this and suffered into adulthood. It’s a terrible way to live. Trust me, I know. May God Bless you all!!

    • It is a horrible way to live. Our reality needs to be exposed more. On Twitter, I am not so much appealing to adult survivors of this, but to mothers. Mothers are more organized. Survivors aren’t. I look forward to the day when we are.

  15. Shannon says:

    At this very moment – having just found your blog – feeling less alone in my own past, less like a freakish anomaly, than at any other time in the whole of my 41 years of existence. Thank you…

  16. Erma Love says:

    Would like to request a phone consult.

  17. urfi aulia says:

    Dear Mrs. Kilgore,

    My name is Urfi. I am Indonesian undergraduate student. Now, I am writing my thesis, and I was interest to doing research in indonesia about siblings bullying. I need any reference who related to siblings bullying for my thesis. Can you help me to get the reference ? I am very need the explanation to write in my thesis. I would be very grateful, if you could send me the softcopy or any references that I can use to add my comprehension.

    I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you very much

    Sincerely yours,
    Urfi Aulia

  18. angel marty says:

    I cut my abusive siblings off years ago. My life is happy. Yes it was after therapy and help. Take care of yourselves first. I do not tolerate bullying now from anyone. You can heal. I’m married to a partner who will not accept sb from his sister. Set boundaries and love yourself I do and it works. no one deserves bullying. don’t stand for it!
    in love and healing
    ‘and still i rise’
    angel marty

    • This is wonderful that you are setting boundaries. A very hard lesson to learn when you didn’t learn it in childhood. Are your comments to me or to those in general?

  19. Sula says:

    I was abused by a brother two years older than me for my entire life (from about three years old on up until about 13 when I feared I would be killed.) I do not have much memory of the abuse but do know it occurred due to a few memories I do have and also an apology from him (how could you ever be with a man after what I did to you.) My other siblings also recall violence, one in particular, some despair for being unable to save me from all of it.

    Decades later, my life in a good place, I began to break down and hear voices (dissociative, not psychotic.) I’m 52.

    Question: Is dissociation common with severe sibling abuse? I have close to no recall around my childhood–a pretty major black-out. I am seeing a therapist presently and struggle to get some memory back and I do, bit by bit, but the grief that comes along with it is immense.

    Thank you so very, very much for this resource and for your bravery in telling your story. My god there are so many of us.

    Would love to get to one of your seminars–do you ever come to the San Francisco area??

    • Yes, it is common to have dissociation. That word refers to not being in present time…being triggered back to old feelings. I hope you are getting the right therapy. I am in Sacramento. I actually work with clients and do SKYPE CONSULTS for this issue. My website is http://www.hope4siblings.com Fill out contact form and I can talk to you for 15 minutes for FREE.

  20. Ann Baker says:

    I am grateful for this website, thank you! Five and a half years ago, I lost my mother to cancer, after 21 days of witnessing her slow death a thousand miles away from my home. The oppressive verbal and emotional abuse that had always been a part of the family dynamics became unbearable and I shut down to survive it, till I came home to my own family, where I felt safe and loved. I had to detach myself from my siblings in order to grieve my losses, and get clear about what I wanted. Now, I focus my attention on my marriage of 34 years, my 3 wonderful daughters, my grandson, and treating us all with kindness. It is a process that takes time and support and compassion…well worth it! This morning I was contemplating sending a birthday card to my brother, but hesitated. I read back through these posts again, and my daughters voices came to mind telling me that I have bent over backwards to make peace with my siblings, but they have shown no interest in doing so. That is the reality, I will accept it, and thank God for the loving people that DO bless my life. I allow myself to enjoy my life now, everyone benefits from this decision. This helps me get clear: If everything is important, nothing is important! Thank you Angel for your comments!!!

  21. anonymous says:

    my brother has severe anger issues. he only takes out his anger on objects now (breaking things, punching a hole in the wall, etc.), but for many years i was the target of his tantrums. he beat me, punched me, kicked me, threw things at me, and choked me on a regular basis. he locked me in the basement. once he threatened me with a knife.

    i have almost no concrete memories of these incidents, or i will remember the beginning but not what happened after. i only just recently realized how deeply my experiences with my brother affected me. i think i may have ptsd, although it seems presumptuous of me to think so when i know so many people who have severe ptsd from extreme traumas… but it’s not normal/healthy to be threatened with a knife and choked by your sibling, is it?

    • What you are relating is what a lot of us go through. We have no idea what normal is and question the utter violations to our rights. Yes, what you related would cause PTSD. So glad you found this.

  22. suzanne says:

    To Sula and anonymous
    I too was abused by my brother…age 3-4 and up. He was violent and abusive in every shape and form. My mother favored him for some reason. I have had issues with self-esteem, ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks. I still do at 55. A song, smell, the weather or being away from home in a strange place can trigger it. I have battled this my entire life.
    At age 38, I became a flight attendant to try to force this feeling from me. In 2011 it came back again because of verbal abuse from my mother and verbal and physical abuse from my brother. His abuse has taken different forms throughout the years. He would tell everyone I lied and was crazy so nobody would believe me if I told. My mother did the same thing. She would talk about me to others, telling them lies and making up stories. I never told anyone, but my father when I was 6. He told my mother he was taking me and leaving. My mother was crying and screaming no. I felt responsible and told my dad I was ok…I didn’t want to leave. I never told again til 2012.
    My mother knew and did nothing. My grandfather (step) abused me also when I was 5 and my mother did nothing. She told me not to tell my father or grandmother who I was very close to both of them. I prayed all my life to have a “normal” family. One without abuse and lies.
    God gave me that family, my husband and children.
    I have a kind and compassionate heart. I love deeply and forgive easily. Being separated from my entire family has been hard and the ptsd has increased. They continue to say I am lying, along with so so many other lies to cover up the abuse. I could write a book. The hardest part is, I am a mother also, and I cannot understand how my mother can treat me as if I am someone she hates, instead of her daughter.
    Even though I am so sorry for what has happened to you and know some of your pain, this is a great place to hear others and know you are not alone.
    I get great comfort in reading/listening to the Bible. I know God has blessed me with a beautiful family and has protected me all these years. He doesn’t want you to suffer.

  23. Lauren says:

    Recently, I turned 17 and live at home with my parents and my 6 years younger brother. However, my brother who is currently 20, 3 years older than me, comes home from college, work or his apartment multiple times a week. I had thought since he’s finally got a place to stay he’d never be home, but unfortunately, I was dead wrong.

    Anyways, him and I don’t get along at all. Every time I see him, he makes it a point to call me names such as fat, ugly, etc. If nothing more, he calls me by a nickname that he created by mixing the names of two people who you certainly do not want to be compared to. He uses the term so often, I can’t remember the last time my real name has left his lips. He always threatens me, and often times he’ll even throw threats and harsh words at my parents (things like “If you do that, I’ll kill you”, “When I come home, there had better be a good meal”) without even giving it a second thought. Just tonight he walked into the house after work and made his way directly to the kitchen, taking the larger second half of my dinner without even asking. It was a meal that he hated, and that’s why my parents hadn’t made any for him. However, he insisted that he was so hungry he’d make do with it and douse the meat in hot sauce because there was no other food in the house. I made a comment about it and he kicked me in the wrist, breaking skin and causing it to bleed. Now, I’m locked in my room hungry, hurt, and mad, not unlike every other time he’s home.

    I’ve recently started getting therapy for what was diagnosed as both depression and anxiety. I try to portray what happens in my house, but it’s forgotten as soon as I mention it. My parents do nothing about it other than yelling at him pointlessly, threatening him that they’ll kick him out, although the same thing has been said at least 20 times this week alone. My parents gets mad at me for spending all my time in my bedroom, spending at most a half hour downstairs with them even when he’s not home, but I come to dread any times I have to exit my room as my mood immediately deflates as I step out of the door. I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with no support from anyone else. Maybe some advice? I don’t expect much at all as this post is from a year ago, however if you happen to come by this and can spare a few words, I’d be more than grateful. Thank you for bothering to read this if you did. ~Lauren

    • Hello Lauren. Thank you first of all for coming in and commenting. What you are experiencing is actually PTSD. Look it up. The home environment is very toxic and is triggering you. If you can get out, do so. I hope you get on twitter. We could use your support. My handle is hope4siblings. In two weeks, we have 1500 followers. There is a lot of helpful advice in the tweets. If you want to do something about the PTSD, there is treatment that will get you strong so you can move on. Look this up: EMDR. It changed my life.

  24. Mari says:

    I am the youngest of three. My brother is 6 years older and my sister 4 years older. I am 57. Both my sister and my brother bullied me. My brother shows his superiority by putting others down and putting people down who are already broken. He and his wife are the rich man who have a beggar at the door and will feed scraps to their dog before they would give some to a person they feel is not worthy, according to their standards. This includes insults to me, my son, who has drug and alcohol issues. He doesn’t hurt anyone in the family. My brother told him he was a loser and would be a loser for the rest of his life. The wife said he said that for his own good. Now for my sister. She basically dispised me and let it be known. Dirty looks, I just didn’t exist. I was scratched and she spewed every negative word towards me she could think of.
    They would gang up on me. My sister considered me the favorite. She made very poor decisions in her teens and early 20s. She and my mom clashed and dad. But she felt dad was closer to her. Our mom passed away 18 years ago and from then on she wanted to have a close relationship and I did too. And we shared all things, held hands and she was compassionate towards me and the situation of my oldest son, all that time (until my dad died.) Gee I thought she changed. She saw our brother bully her daughter , put her husband down etc etc..she saw them for what they are. She did not care to have a relationship with them. Our father died 1 1/2 years ago. The day my father died my sister went back to her old self. My brother was the executor for my parents will and he wielded every bit of power he had. My sister and brother ganged up on me ” just like old times”. They decided to leave my niece in dad’s house paying no rent. (It was better having someone there, he said, otherwise he would be charging 250.00 a month to come check on it) he lives 20 miles away and wife has no job. I wanted to buy my dad’s car …they jacked up the price 6000$ over asking. After my dad’s funeral, asked me IN THE PARKING LOT ” Do you want it or not, we we are selling it tomorrow”. Sister’s right there and says ” you’re ok with that?” That was the old gang bang. ( one of the weirdest things is about 8 months later she buys a car just like my dad’s) The next day my sister is again ignoring me etc…I asked her what was wrong and she said it was about my son…that he is the elephant in the room. He is this he is that…broke my heart..he rode 40 hours on a bus to come to his grandfathers funeral.. Talked to all the family whom he loves, and wore a suit…you would never have known there were any issues with him. After all that, there is christmas dinner and my sister talks to my brother telling him I think things aren’t fair…this goes on and on for over 9 months…my sister doesn’t call unless she has a question. They would not allow me to move some furniture out of my dad’s house unless they personally spoke with the moving company I hired. No 3rd party can be in the house. My sister in law gets into it and calls my cousins and literally cries telling them “our family may never be the same b/c of mari”. After all of this bullying I did ask my sister ( if u can believe it) if she does want to have a closer relationship like we had before. She stated, we will always be sisters. ( I must be a glutton for punishment) Got the message.. I don’t know why I asked her.. Her daughter got engaged and my son wasn’t invited. To the wedding. But my sister in law got my sister to invite their 2 sets of friends with their adult children.! The whole family came. My 2nd son couldn’t come due to work and the plane flight was 1000$. Well we had to hear about that all weekend from my sister in law’s insults to my sister’s daughter…I am sure my oldest son will not be included in my brothers daughters wedding either. I don’t want to go either when that happens..my brother and sister and sister in law are now best friends. I know it’s their problem, but it is hard to understand how it all changed back after my father passed.. I would love to understand the psychology of it. My sister will send me a text wishing me a happy st pats day etc…but nothing to follow that up with. I was calling her monthly for a while, but now I stopped that knowing how little if any relationship she wants…am I crazy?
    Thanks for listening..

  25. Lo says:

    Wow, this is very interesting! In my life there are two insidious older sisters. An alpha bully (8 yrs older) and the assistant bully (2 yrs older). Im now 26, they’re 28 and 34. I’ve always been petite while they both take from my mothers side, obese women. I think that makes/made me an easy target all my life. My eldest sister would make my middle sister and I fight for her own entertainment. It always ended with me crying…no real bruises but no matter the outcome she always declared I was the loser. Even if I clearly won, she still said i was the loser. She made fun of anything they could and eventually my middle sister stopped liking me. We stopped playing together and she started siding completely with our big sister. My hair- at five yrs old I had dandruff- so they started calling me “Sprinkles”. Im a thin person so its easy to see my pubis bone which petrudes out a little. So they had me believe I was becoming a “boy” and regularly called me a little boy. Theres way more to the story but i never thought to call it bullying until recently. I decided to research the behaviors and it led me to sibling ABUSE not rivalry.

  26. Lo says:

    Just a few months ago me and my oldest sister got into it over her calling me a nobody and i wasnt going to take that from her anymore. She feels justified in dragging other people. I’ve been checking her lately and she hates me even more, threatens to kick my @ss. She laughs at me when i stand up for myself. My mother preaches this gospel about the importance of family no matter how horrible things are. I think my mom might be the most toxic person in this situation. I always told her i was being mistreated and her response would be “stop buggin me” or ” why are you letting them get to you”. Apparently it was and still is my problem not hers.

    • The importance of family is often preached to us. It is not important if the family unit takes away our will to live, creates depression or anxiety, etc. The decision to stay in the fold is an individual one. I have had to let go.

  27. Jori Nunes says:

    Your website is just beautiful. I can’t wait to read your book! I also shared it on the private and book page for Chocolate Flowers. I will be calling you this week. My son starts school Wed. :) Jori

  28. Notavictim says:

    My much older and larger sister has always been abusive to others, but as the vocal middle child I was the lightning rod for her hate and anger. My parents had two children after me, so they had no time for “arguments”. I was told the most hateful things, including that I went to the wrong college, did not deserve a wedding day, have no friends, my children would grow to hate me, and I would someday be alone due to my refusal to accept abusive behavior. Any idea or suggestion on my part was readily disparaged. Small attempts at reconciliation on my part have always been rejected. She has turned my parents and all of my siblings against me by telling them that I am a wimp, and who knows what else. She once threatened to sue me when her child slipped and fell at my house. Her favorite thing is to stare at me with hatred. She thinks she is the “black sheep” of the family and I think she’s an ass. However, I am tired of absorbing all of the damage from her destructive behavior. Even my mother listens to her. Unbelievable.

  29. Kasie says:

    Please help!!! I am a parent of 5 kids, and my oldest, a 12 year old boy, bullies every one of his younger siblings! I assume that he is fighting ferociously for his great big piece of the parental pie which, since his sibs came along, he is forced to share. He has always been somewhat serious and sometimes sullen, but in the past 6 months he is awful. We are a fun, harmonious, happy family when he is not around, but when he is, invariably someone ends up crying. He either yells at them, says something hurtful (more so every day), or physically hurts them. My other children should not have to live in fear of setting him off! What can I do?!?!? I am sick of him poisoning our household. Please please help us!!!

    • I am thinks its time to get professional help. Some other suggestions are to google “interventions and preventions of sibling abuse.” Vernon Wiehe’s book WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SIBING ABUSE is on Amazon. No child should hurt an entire family.

  30. Angie says:

    I’m so glad I came here. My abuser was my older sister. Like many here, name calling and emotional abuse was everyday. My mother made it known that she was her favorite and let her torment me and my younger sister for years. Dad said nothing and to this day acts scared around Mom. I no longer speak to my sister and Mom. I have a neice who is now tormented by my sister and the hurt and pain in her face makes me sick. What can I do to help her?

    • This is a very hard situation. You do not have access to the family. I can only suggest, that for yourself you seek reading material, namely through Vernon Wiehe about this type of abuse. Validate the neice as much as you can. I saw my neice abuse both of her children and grandchildren. The whole family fears her like she is the mafia. This shouldn’t be.

  31. Ally says:

    I just needed to get my story out there. I live, right now, with an abusive sibling. My older sister has always bullied me/been controlling since as far back as I can remember. One of my earliest memories of this is when we were about 4 and 6 or 7. I had a cold (so my breathing was a bit raspy) and she turned to me and said ‘Stop it – stop that noise’. I told her I was breathing and her reply was ‘I know, stop breathing it’s annoying me’. She regularly blames things on me and I can do nothing to stop her as my parents won’t listen. They step on eggshells around her because she can explode at a moments notice – at me, or she’ll get angry at something completely unrelated (eg. dinner being late) and find a way to blame it on me. She regularly hits me, punches me and puts me down. Her favourite catch phrases are ‘You’re fat, you’re ugly, no one likes you, everyone hates you, you’re a B**** etc.’ I am forced to drive to school with her once a week, which is when she really has a go. I’ll sit there, making myself as small as possible so that she doesn’t complain about her ‘lack of legroom’ (even though she always forces me to have the smallest seat), and she’ll start talking to one of my parents. I’ll go to say something/join in the conversation (usually just by saying ‘Yeah’ or ‘that’s true’). She jumps at this and either starts her list of catchphrases or starts saying how i’m the favourite and should be punished/shouldn’t speak/ ‘I didn’t say you could contribute’ etc. During this torrent of abuse she’ll kick me/hit me/step on my feet. Later she denies everything, even though our parents saw. They give up and don’t support me. They say nothing at all anymore, just let her tear me down. The worst thing is that 5 minutes later she’ll try to act like my best friend and another 5 minutes later she’ll be attacking me again. I’m so confused. I feel so depressed that often i sit in my room and cry, trying to avoid her as much as possible. She’s controlling our whole household and I can’t take the daily beating and/or (although it’s mostly and) emotional abuse. Everyday I’m called a B****/stupid/fat/hated. Then she complains to our parents that I’m a bad sister and I’m horrible to her! Everyone outside of our house thinks she’s an angel. She says I abuse her even though I’m the one hiding in my room, inching away from her fists, trying to ignore the constant taunting and abusing. I have to say something – so this is it. Help me, I don’t think I can survive with my sister anymore. What do I do?

    • Ally says:

      Just thought I’d add: Today I was playing monopoly with another sibling and she started talking about if my other sibling was planning to go out with some friends. She proceeded to say he’s been out once that week already. She was starting to coerce him into not going using excuses like ‘I’m not invited’ and ‘won’t that one girl I don’t like be there? You can’t go!’. I said that he is allowed to go if he wants to. This resulted in an outburst of ‘Shut up (my name), I wasn’t talking to you!’. To which I replied, ‘I was just trying t-’ then she started swearing/yelling at me. At this point my sibling and I both wanted her to leave. One of my parents came and told her to leave. She started saying ‘but I’ve done nothing wrong! (my name) was provoking me! She’s to blame’ etc. The parent then left (gave up) which lead to her running up to me and punching me in the eye. Hard. To the point where my parent thought I’d broken my nose. After this she was still whining to the parent that she had done nothing wrong, and that I’d provoked her. By talking and by sitting there. When asked about her punching me she replied ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to punch her like “that”!’ Later she said I was to blame if she committed suicide because apparently I can’t expect her to live with me treating her like “this.” Well thanks, now I’m in a spiral of self-blame and self-doubt…

  32. olivia says:

    my sister and I have had difficulties since I was in my mothers stomach. the unfounded jealousy is staggering. we did not speak for 10 years we became closer, but it was all a lie like everything else she says. she has been smoking crack and the abuse and lies has increased 10 fold. I have been reseaching her personality and I am beginning to worry. my parents know how she is and try to reprimand her but im 28 and shes 31 so that’s not helping. my parents know shes a liar and that she hs a problem with me. im concerned that she may pose mortal danger to me and no one seems to thinkshe is capable. I don’t know what I can do but wait. I have alienated myself from everyone as they have been drawn into the lies. I have deactivated facebook and only speak to my parents or children.

  33. Cathy Meyer says:

    I am battling a few problems and fear I should have let one big problem stay gone for good. My sister.

    To understand my sister, I will give a brief story of my life.
    Raised in an odd family, parents never seemed close.
    Mother died when I was 13, leaving me to live with a father not able to raise a daughter. I always seemed in the way.
    Sister was nice to me up to this point, she seemed to know I was in such pain.
    I married to get out of the house and was married 3 times before I was 25.
    Now: I came for the wealthiest part of Tampa Florida, had close friends and just tried to stay away from home as much as possible.
    I went to college BUT never did anything with my life for some reason.
    Father was emotionally abusive
    Mother was physically abusive, “the belt”
    My third husband whom I met in high school has been supportive for over 30 years.
    Problems really began when sister’s husband, a professional, a pharmacist, exposed himself to me back in 1977. I was in high school.
    What was he thinking? Did he want me to react?
    I kept this for over 1 year and finally told my father. He, along with the rest thought I was making it up.
    I just drifted through life in dead-end jobs while my husband supported our family of three. A son was born in 95 and I had to struggle to be a decent Mother.
    Noticed how I am never introduced by my sister.
    Even went to same church, (at different times) and she never mentioned I attended first and my son went to pre-school there.
    She failed to tell me she was getting re-married at this church, as to keep me in the dark and away from people she felt important.
    Our relationship stopped and started numerous times. One time lasting 6 years apart from each other.
    Now: Thanksgiving 1998, she was in a near fatal car accident. I was very upset, I felt I loved her very much in spite of her lack of love for me. While caring for her, I felt it was bringing us close for once, like she was going to like me now that I was caring for her. I was happy almost that she was in an accident for she was so thankful for my help.
    WRONG: another knife when she said something like, we came from the same parents, what happened to me? I was genetically inferior. I was so crushed, I could not breathe.
    I left, this time to cut all ties. My husband won’t ever let her come into our house at this point.
    After 4 years or so, I was looking to try again and it’s the same stuff.
    I am not good enough to meet her Granddaughter, but can meet her Grandson, cause his father is only a Junior college Graduate.
    Ashamed of me, she is.
    WHY do I keep coming back for more ABUSE? It’s like I am drawn to her for some reason.
    Yes, I see a doctor and they think personality disorder most likely.
    Have been on clonazepam for 14 years along with something to elevate my feelings.

    Would like to know, Why do I always come back to her?

    Thank you for any thoughts,

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