Adults & Bullying

Many adults know all too well that their first bully was a sibling(s). The connection between their adulthood and the abuse that happened in childhood goes undetected for many. There has been considerable progress in the field of family violence. One type of abuse remains largely undetected. It is the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of one sibling by another.

Parents have excused sibling abuse with various stances: children are naturally competitive, let them fight it out, etc. Sibling abuse, however, is the basic reason why bullying is increasing. Bullying is not created on a school yard or in a classroom. The real culprit as to why bullying is increasing is that it has been tolerated…almost from the beginning of time. Sibling abuse is increasing with vast numbers because children are unsupervised and can get away with it. Parents are so stressed with the survival needs of the family; they can’t detect the covert world of sibling abuse. Many siblings in aggressive home settings, recreate the abuse or send out signals to other child that they are victims. Many of the aggressive acts between siblings can’t be characterized as rivalry. They are abuse in the highest form. Because the abuse came from a trusted family member, the outcome could be PTSD, addictions, negative relationships, and participation in domestic violence.

Many adult lives of sibling abuse are scarred both from the abuse and also their parent’s lack of response. Americans value their freedom and that is why this type of abuse has gone on way too long. As a nation, we want to raise our children with no outside interference.
We need to challenge this stance and help children who are getting abused right now. Public attention needs to on the innocent children who do not know freedom and live in tyranny with abusive sibling(s).

Adult survivors are the ones who can hold our country up to another standard. We can help children know freedom. We can help them walk toward a better adulthood. An Ethiopian Proverb: When spiders unite, they can hold up a lion.

Many adult sibling abuse lives can be utilized to lend attention toward this important issue. The closed doors of ignorance can open. Children are not property. They are human beings and need to be treated with respect. It is time for the doors of freedom to open for many children who are being harmed right now. It is time for adults who have been harmed to stand up and protect them. The voices and gathering of survivors of sibling abuse will make a new world.

Sample Read.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1460930614

About bullyactivist

Nancy Fox-Kilgore, M.S. has helped thousands of people discover the connection between bullying and sibling abuse. She is a frequent speaker and university continuing education teacher. Nancy has appeared on many radio and television programs, and she has been featured in Sacramento Bee and many other newspapers and magazines. She is the author of Every Eighteen Seconds, The Sourcebook For Working With Battered Women, and Girl In The Water: A True sStory of Sibling Abuse. (HCI Publisher) Nancy is endorsed by the United States Department of Justice for Crime Victims. She is a faculty member for GAPRA (www.GAPRAconnect.com). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIBZa90clhk Sample Read. http://www.amazon.com/dp/1460930614
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15 Responses to Adults & Bullying

  1. Wow, marvelous blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
    you make blogging glance easy. The overall look of your site is wonderful, as smartly as the content!

    • Thank you for commenting on layout. I care about the American public getting this information in an easy way.

      • Julia says:

        I just found your blog.
        I have endured so much from two older, male siblings. I am 51 now and they are still bullying me. I have been having sever anxiety.
        I try to keep my distance from them and now I am in a terrible financial situation where I have to live near one of them. I am absolutely terrified.
        This man does not know how to talk, all he does is yell, curse, control telling me it’s his way or no way at all. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do. All these years later, it still goes on.

  2. Donald Saunders says:

    Hello,
    It is good to see your effort.
    I was carried back by the recent video of the boy biting his brothers finger which was stuck in his mouth. That happened to me with crap on his finger. I had four upper teeth, that makes me about a year old. I bit his finger to stop what was happening. He grabbed my jaw, sticking fingers in my mouth, and braced my head with his other hand and ripped my jaw out of the right socket. I thought of the idea of memory for the first time, I memorized the room but can still not see his facial reaction to what he had done over me while I screamed. Unable to talk about I could tell noone. After other accidents where I was maimed or in life threatening danger I stayed away inside until he went to college. I became president of my class after he left but could not recover professionally. I went to college in Architecture to learn best how to design the prosthetics I might need to make old age. I became an auto worker since my back injury kept me from a sitting profession and my face feels like stone.
    I was told I had to jump off the roof at three years old. I had to land standing or I couldnt play anymore. I jumped, my psoas muscle, netween the lumbar and leg across the pelvis, snapped off. I was left with my face in the dirt, crippled.
    I was pushed out of a second story window and while I was headed for a thorn bush I rotated around and saw my brother closing the hanging screen by the locking latch.
    The bush split and saved me from harm and he ran downstairs at the family gathering
    to threaten me if I told.
    I built a bandage for faxial pain when I was 40 and a metal brace for jaw deformaty which shifted my face back into alignment.
    I returned from the weat coast thinking that my invented form of recovery could be shared with my mother and brother, someway, possibly received. Nothing was talked about except that nothing would be gained from it. My mother was the head school nurse.
    I am 66 now.
    It is good to see you helping others see how widespread this issus is.
    donald

    • Thank you so much for your heartfelt statements. Older brothers can be very cruel. You are a survivor! I hope other people in here read this and realize what they went through. Best to you! Nancy

  3. Pam Ashwood says:

    When I heard about the study, I breathed in a sigh of relief. I thought I was the only one. I am the youngest of 6. The fifth child, my sister Lisa (six years difference between us)bullied and tormented me all the way into my adult life. In the summer months, she was responsible to look after me. She would lock me out of the house all day, until just before my parents got home. We lived in the country. We didn’t have neighbors. I would drink water from the hose and pee and poop in the woods. I would eat berries from this one type of bush or eat raspberries. I got in trouble for eating carrots out of our garden. When she wanted to be with her friends she abandoned me at home. She would hit me with a ping pong paddle. She would slap me. She called me names. I could over-hear all of the rotten things she would say about me when she didn’t know I could hear. She would go out of her way to be cruel and abusive. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 When I was 20 I gave birth to my daughter (I was not married). She would send me nasty letters or newspaper clippings in the mail about people on welfare. I got off welfare three years after my daughter was born. She never even looked or touched my daughter until my daughter was 4. To this day she looks beyond me when I am in the room. She has never said hello to my husband and we have been together for 16 years. She doesn’t speak to my two younger children. Despite the fact I have distanced myself from my family or origin, I am being treated for depression and anxiety. The biggest obstacle I have is when I am outside and a family member exits the house and closes the door, I panic because of what she did to me as a child. I am 48 years old now. I have no identity. I don’t know who I am. I am always looking over my shoulder to make sure I don’t make a mistake. I have a few good friends, but they all come from decent families, normal families. At least less dysfunctional than mine. I have raised three wonderful adults. There was no bullying in my home. They are there for each other and our family gatherings are fun, respectful, with a lot of laughter, for that I am grateful. My husband is very understanding about my anxieties and understands about what she put me through. We have no health insurance because we can’t afford it, otherwise I would be seeking help for the damages she inflicted on me. All I can do is distance myself to keep myself safe from my poisonous sister.

  4. S.J. P says:

    My brother is 4 years older than me and has been physically,verbally, and emotionally abusive ever since i can remember. He was always bigger than me and stronger than me. When we were kids he would make me be his tackling dummie in the back yard ( he called it playing football) and when I would get tired of being knocked around i would try to go inside the house. He would call me names saying I was weak and would taunt me to the point where he would anger me into staying out there. Sometimes it worked but when i went inside he would come in mad because i didnt stay out there long enough. If i touched anything of his it would result in a hard knock to the head of some kind. One time he knocked me out right in front of my Mom because I raised my voice to him. Then I remember apologizing to HIM. I left home to a different state and havent been near my brother in over 20 years. i’m 39 now. I recently moved back to help him with his business as his assistant( dumb move) and needed to stay with him while my wife and i made the transition. The same things started happening again. He knows no other way than to be physically imposing on me and makes fun of me at every turn. Then we get to work and he blames everything on me and treats everybody like dirt( my Mom is his bookeeper and he is mean to her but she refuses to acknowledge it ) I am much bigger now and have noticed myself blowing up at him to tue point where I want to fight him. I quit the job and moved out. He took offense to me moving out! And the worst thing about is i feel betrayed by my Mother who always says I over react and they look at me as someone that just has a temper. My wife understands what I am going through and it seems like my own family just will leave me on my own to sort through it with my brother. I dont want anything to do with him,and now I live down the street!
    Thanks for letting me vent.
    S.P.

  5. carm says:

    I am an abused sibling. I have an older sister and brother who both abuse and abused me. I am now 51. To this day my brother throws temper tantrums aimed at me, and my sister does every mean girl behavior possible. My Mom makes excuse after excuse for them and constantly uses the term “you kids” I have had it with that term also… all it does is place guilt on the abused, and allow the abuser not to take responsibility for their actions. Just this week I finally stood up for myself. I said “Enough abuse” As my brother and mother were at my house with me helping for medical care. I told my mom this morning “I have a right to set boundaries for me, my family and my house. We will NOT speak poorly of Dad here, and we will behave in kind manners or I am done, and if you (mom) continue to make excuses and support this bullying behavior , you too are no longer welcome in my home.” The freedom that came from saying NO to BULLYING..is unbelievable… at 51!! I have finally realized I would rather not have family then to be abused by any of them,, including a mother who makes excuses for it.

  6. carm says:

    I do not understand. Part of the illness of sibling bullying is the shunning. My sister has shunned me for years, ever since I married my husband that everyone truly loves. She would have graduations and birthdays for my nephews, inviting every family member but me. My mom has supported this for years. Now the latest with my brother coming to my home for medical that I helped with , afterward, throwing a temper tantrum directed at me. This was a month ago… not only was there a tantrum… but select welcome gifts I gave were left behind, just to be mean. He and my mother have to come back for my son’s graduation and another Dr. appointment in June. Their answer to all of this is “just ignor it”. I am sorry I just can not ignor it again. My brother’s behavior was very explosive and very bullying – in front of my kids and in MY home. I have now told my mom , that I guess if there is no response, it is simply, my sister has gotten away with shunning, I too will shun when it comes to my son’s graduation and no one acting in that manner ,or supporting it will be invited. I am so sick of it. And, my heart is broken as the family I thought I have had has turned into mean, cruel people.

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